I Was Lying
by zleznjiyh
Summary: Jane is struggling with alcohol when she breaks up with Maura. Can Jane find her way back to Maura? Inspiration from Backstreet Boys' songs "Just Want You To Know" and "Crawling Back To You". One-shot but could be a two or three-shot.


**Disclaimer: Not mine, JTam make them canon, oh wait... New showrunner, make them canon please!**

**Note: There might be another chapter but for now it's a one-shot.**

**/zlez**

* * *

"_What are you so afraid of Jane?"_

"_Everything."_

* * *

It had been three months since that conversation took place. In the workplace they were courteous and professional but there was always a strange vibe in the air whenever they were both in the same room. Family, friends and co-workers stuck in perpetual limbo. The situation was threatening to blow up, it had reached critical levels. Incredible hot two people can impact the mood of an entire workplace. People were secretly devising ways to get them back together. They reminisced of the blissful months they were together, even taking all those years of sexual tension over this weird mood. The underlying anger in them both mixed with stubbornness, politeness(in Maura's case) and crassness(in Jane's care) had people tiptoeing around them. Some people just wanted to lock them in a supply closet or cut the power when they were in the elevators, keeping them there however long it would take for them to make up. Others quietly requested a transfer. The odd one went to Cavanaugh but he's shoot their complaint down quickly.

"There's no box for 'weird vibe' on the complaint form so there isn't anything I can do. Sorry." Cavanaugh did talk to Jane and Maura separately but that was the extent of his involvement.

* * *

Maura had just arrived home to her house. Another week, another murder. She wasn't on-call this weekend and for that she was grateful. Her interactions with Jane were getting more and more out of hand. People were complaining and Maura couldn't take it. She needed to recharge, try to forget but her mind was stuck in that last fight they had. It weighed heavy. Maura didn't regret many things in her life but fighting harder was something she wished she'd done. She ate in silence and near darkness, got ready for bed and hoped her dreams were free from Jane but hope had abandoned her.

* * *

Jane had been sitting on her couch since she got home. The beer in her hand almost room temperature by now but still full. She couldn't get up the nerve to actually drink it. It wasn't as much as nerves as fear. It had been the same thing for three months now. She'd take a beer, twist the cap open and not drink. She wanted to forget so badly but she thought of Tommy and his alcohol issues. _I won't end up like that._ Unconvinced she could stop if she ever began she just smelled it. The real reason she did all of this was Maura. She scoffed every time she thought of her, causing her to scoff at all times of the day. She took a last look at the bottle until she got up and emptied the contents in her sink. She got ready for bed praying for her dreams to be Maura free but her prayers went unanswered.

* * *

"_Maura, I can't do this anymore. I will only hurt you. Eventually. I always do."_

"_You're hurting me right now Jane."_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_What are you so afraid of Jane?"_

"_Everything."_

* * *

Maura had a routine. In work, at home, in life. She rarely deviated from it and she was about to do the biggest piece of deviating ever. She would forgo make up. Stepping in to the precinct she made a beeline for the cafe. Angela was about to take her order when she finally looked at Maura.

"You look beautiful today!"

"Thank you, I needed a change today." Their interaction was cut short by the sound a familiar voice.

"Hey Ma, can I have the panca- Oh, hi Maura."

"Good morning Jane."

"You look different today."

"I do, don't I..."

In fact, Jane had noticed immediately that Maura had skipped the make up. She always thought she was at her most beautiful when she was all natural. It had startled her a bit as she had never been at work without her "work face" as Jane had called it once. Jane wondered if Maura was at a tipping point. She sure as hell was.

* * *

_Jane showed up one night after work. She knocked on the door frantically even though she had a key. Maura opened the door with a bewildered look on her face. Seeking it was Jane she stepped aside letting Jane in. The smell of alcohol and the fact that Jane stumbled told Maura all she needed to know. One of those nights. She turned to see what Jane was doing on to see her standing there, swaying lightly, picking at the hem of her jacket. Jane looked down at her feet and back up to meet Maura's eyes._

"_Maura, I can't do this. I can't- I can't be what or who you want me to be."_

"_I've never wanted you to be anyone but yourself. I love the person you are."_

"_Don't say that. Just- Just don't say that. I can't-"_

"_Why Jane, why can't I say how I feel to the one I feel it for?"_

"'_cause it will hurt more."_

"_You have been drinking. Let's go to sleep and we'll talk about it in the morning."_

"_No, I can't- When I'm sober I just- It needs to be now. Before-"_

"_Before what Jane? Before you lose your nerve?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Don't do this now. It will only lead to regret and you know it."_

"_Maura, I can't do this anymore. I will only hurt you. Eventually. I always do."_

"_You're hurting me right now Jane."_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_What are you so afraid of Jane?"_

"_Everything."_

_Jane's eyes found Maura's briefly before gathering herself and moving past Maura. It hurt but at least she couldn't hurt Maura more now. Or again. Maura followed her with her gaze all the way out, not letting the tears fall before Jen was well out of sight._

* * *

Another night, another lost beer.

Another night, another lonely dinner.

* * *

It had been four months and the status quo was starting to disintegrate. Jane had been sleeping less and less and Maura had been less put together than ever. Their interactions were forced and awkward, affecting their well-oiled machine.

Another night, another lost beer. Except this time Jane was fiddling with her was a pathetic sight, Jane kept scrolling past Maura's number time and time again. Why was this so hard? It was supposed to be a clean break and they would move on. Maura would date and Jane would be miserable. Jane missed Maura's laugh, her smile, the soft skin and the fragrance so unique to Maura. She settled on a text.

**Jane: I miss you.**

**Maura: I miss you too.**

It was the first night in four months they slept through the night.

* * *

They continued their nightly texting. Jane was always the one to initiate them, Maura always responding instantly. The weird vibe at work had diminished considerably, people assuming they were working out their differences. A week in, Jane deviated from the standard **Goodnight Maura** text she's been sending.

**Jane: These last months have been hell.**

**Maura: I haven't enjoyed them particularly either.**

**Jane: I'm scared Maura. I'll slip up again and it will all go to shit. I can't do that again.**

**Maura: When was your last drink?**

**Jane: The night... The night I went to your house drunk as a skunk.**

**Maura: I don't think skunks consume alcohol, I assumed that's a saying? Have you been going to meetings?**

**Jane: No. But I've been sitting with and open bottle of beer every night since... You know. Not drinking it.**

**Maura?**

**Maura: I can't let you go Jane. I've been trying but I can't. I can't fake it forever. I can't fake not feeling for you.**

**Jane: I never let you go. Goodnight Maura.**

**Maura: Goodnight Jane.**

Maura knew they would be OK. But the road is long.

* * *

Reviews are love!


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